


Dear Cas-

by jared_padalepenis



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 14:09:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2853614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jared_padalepenis/pseuds/jared_padalepenis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey guys idk this is like my first thing or whatever, is it alright?</p>
    </blockquote>





	Dear Cas-

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys idk this is like my first thing or whatever, is it alright?

Dear Cas,  
I’m sorry. I love you and I’m sorry. You always told me “to hang on in there” and I promised I'd try, and I did try. It just - it got too hard.  
And I’m sitting here on the bathroom floor with empty bottles of jack everywhere I look, but I can barely see for the tears and cloud my eyes and the drink that’s fucked with my head. I’m a failure. I’ve let you down and I can’t do anything about it.  
Sitting here with my back against the door, all I can think about is you. how much I love you. and on the dark nights when I didn’t see the point in anything, you’d sit down beside me on the floor without saying a word. But you didn’t have to. you’d wrap your arms around me and rock me, and hold me while I cry. It was in those moments that I realized you’re all I want. You were the only reason I held on this long,  
I remember how on Sundays I’d wake up to the sound of you half singing half humming completely out of tune in the kitchen while you were making me breakfast, and whenever I told you that you didn’t have to, I’d always get the same response: “I know, but I want to. Because I love you”  
Do you remember last winter, when the snow was up our knees and you couldn’t get to work for 3 days? do you remember how we made a nest out of blankets and pillows and we made tea and sat in front of the fire, and I held you in our little slice of heaven for god knows how long? and do you remember, how I told you that I loved you, and that I would never hurt you. Because you were my everything. You were the sun, moon and stars to me. you were my air and my life force? I didn’t lie Cas. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank god for you.  
I’m going to miss you, Cas. I’m going to miss the way you’d hum while you were concentrating, how you’d always go to bed first and hug my pillow till I got there too. I’m going to miss the way your eyes would crinkle when you smile, and the way you’d somehow always, no matter what you were eating, get a tiny bit in the corner of your lips. your beautiful, beautiful lips. I’d have spent the whole day kissing them if you’d let me. Your eyes were like a summers sky, they were so warm and perfect. there was nothing about you that was anything but perfect. And that’s what makes this so hard. you were the only thing that kept me going this long. Please don’t blame yourself for this. there was nothing you, or anyone could have done. I’m just a lost cause. Wasted space, but I’ll be cold gone by time you’ve read this. I’m kinda grateful for that I guess, I would have hated to have seen even an ounce of sorrow in those perfect blue eyes of yours.  
I don’t want it to end like this, Cas. But this gun so inviting. promising me an escape and salvation. I always said I’d die with a gun in my hand, I guess I never really planned which way it would be facing.  
Goodbye Cas, I love you.  
-Dean


End file.
